The following is a summary of the steps needed to begin The Amazing War Museum, Truck Stop, hotel, fuel station, and souvenir shop. This also includes a general description of its contents and purpose. Disclaimer: do not attempt these steps financial failure or death could occur.
Step 1. The plan will include a survey in order to ask what people would like to see in the museum. Based on this information, brainstorming will occur to integrate personal ideas with the general public’s conceptions and hopes.
Step 2. Funds for construction will be raised by lobbying government officials for backing, as well as calling on civic groups to help raise donations. A brick-with-a-name-on-it program will surely fund the other million or two that will be needed to bribe local officials for permits and kickbacks.
Step 3. A newly formed L.L.C named Museum of the Historical Americans For Renactors or M.O.T.H.A.F.R’S will purchase a large parcel of land in the country side. The parcel will be in close proximity to an interstate exit and it will be in the southern states. The land will be large enough to hold reenactments and we will have zoning uses for heavy explosives (thanks to our kickbacks). It will be in the south because our marketing research will indicate that people in the south love to go to war reenactments. The interstate exit will make it easy for truck drivers to stop in. They will be lured in by their patriotic sense of duty, our clean restrooms, cheap diesel, and our free overnight parking.
Step 4. The building will be five levels high and it will be underground. This will allow it to double as a bomb shelter and vault to protect our valuable military heritage. There will eventually be many buildings underground that all connect and one day the museum will have a Viet Cong tunnel experience ride, complete with the smell of napalm.
Step 5. The initial building will be the Morale and Welfare building. The first floor will be Water and Sanitation. Patrons will have the option of peeing into a 55-gallon drum and watch that lead into a small underground reservoir. The people will have the option of trying our freshly cleansed tap water from said reservoir to see the power of new military technology.
(The following floor descriptions will include pictures of potential exhibit posters)
The second floor will be the Food floor. It will have examples of food throughout the years. It will also serve as our cafeteria; most people will be hungry after walking up the first flight of steps. The food will be over priced, yet people will love its authenticity as it will be served mostly cold and the discovery of occasional insects might occur. In addition, the cafeteria will be serving astronaut ice cream as well and tang in a bottle.
The third floor will be Equipment. This floor will show all the technological advances our country has produced over the last 150 years. It will have a hall demonstrating how the lives of many people depend on the lowest bidder, who is the one responsible for assembling thousands of moving components that create our mechanized forces. In addition, people will be able to try on uniforms from every major theater and have pictures taken in black in white. This will be an additional revenue maker for the museum. Also for purchase will be dog tags and night vision goggles. Our completely dark underground paintball park will allow for the use of the night vision goggles or the dog tags if the goggles are not purchased.
The fourth floor will be Housing. Everything from tents to bunks will be setup for display. Half of this room will have the thermostat turned to freezing and the other half turned to sweltering hot to give the visitors a feeling of real world conditions endured by fighting men and women. However, there will be a special Air Force section; it will include cozy four-star rooms. They will be available for overnight guest such as truckers. It will have no gym however, since the air force does not really work out. Eventually an underground pool will be on location next to the reservoir waterfall. This will allow our guest the opportunity to learn navy seal dive tactics in multiple environments. Additional cost will occur, of course.
Finally, the fifth floor will be 18 and above and will go into the details of sex and prostitution throughout modern military history. This is where the Hawaiian themed bar will be. It’s working name is “Come on I wanna lei You” it will have a real tattoo shop that only does cool military tats like, Hawaiian hula girls, battle ships, and eagles across peoples chest. Maybe even the U.S.M.C logo. However, at no point will this shop tattoo barbwire on man. The museum needs to remain classy and authentic. The fifth floor will have a variety of pictures and videos explaining the history of prostitution in the military, it will also have a mock up of a Vietnam era VD clinic.
A variety of war time posters will be shown throughout the museum and many such as the posters below will be given as gifts to classes on school field trips.
Step 6. After completion of all levels of construction, the museum will ensure there is a large amount of permanent exhibits and then scale them to allow enough space for temporary exhibits. Some may include “The French, how are they still here?” and “Japan, when will they own our entire country and declare to be the real victors of WWII?”
Step 7. The museum will plan to bring in one-day temporary exhibits on special holidays such as Pearl Harbor Day, Fourth of July and Veterans Day. Eventually we will be like the government and shove all major holidays into one convenient day in order to save money. Except for our special exhibit on Ground Hogs Day since our location is underground.
Step 8. Build a gift shop. It will include items like our mascot Major Woody. A large stuffed ground hog in Rambo gear that says “You’re Not Expendable” when your press his hand (see step seven to understand why our mascot is a ground hog). We will sell t-shirts, mugs, and key chains with Major Woody on it. We will also have bumper stickers that say, “Fifth floor of the war museum is the place to find a Major Woody.” The gift shops will also sell packets of dye to put in the bathtub, so kids can pretend to bail out of a real plane and be found by their parents. Models of almost everything in the museum will be available for resale. In addition, you can buy our special reservoir drinking water as a gift for friends.
Step 9. A unique approach will be in use for the design of prices of admission. Prices will be based on age. Instead of giving kids all the discounts, the museum will give people a percentage off the ticket price that matches their age. If they are, eighty years old they receive 80% off the price, if they are 12 years old they will receive 12% off. Logic is adults will spend more money at the bar and other places. The discount will make the adults feel good since they actually lived through a few wars, instead of some young punk kid who did nothing and receives admission half-off because he is under 12.
Step 10. Set up security, hire employees, start a worldwide marketing campaign on YouTube starring Major Woody, of course. We will send a promotional team across the country to go to every major battleground and war museum to hand out fliers on people’s windshield wipers and give out Major Woody bumper stickers. The team will put bumper stickers on the inside of the bathroom walls of every fast food restaurant they come across, since truckers like to eat at these places. Also, near all of the red light districts because, well never mind, they just will.
Step 11. There will be an interesting customer satisfaction survey. The people pick the best thing from each floor they enjoyed the most from off a digital screen. This will let our museum know our strong suits. In addition, they can pick their least favorites. When they do this, they will gain access to exit the museum through a special room that allows them to see one final mystery exhibit. It will be titled “Future of the Military” exhibit. It will have a Star Wars theme that combines the elements of all five floors and explains the role that the military and civilians, like truck drivers, will have in taking over the galaxy. It will show how the military would be nothing without its civilian counterparts and it will allow our guest to leave with a certain unearned sense of pride.
The overall theme of this museum is different from others. This museum says, “Hey, war can be fun.” During actual wars, people still need to live their lives. They get married, have children, go to school, and perform normal tasks. They do not just sit around and try to kill people all day nor do they simply attempt to survive from being killed all day. People have to eat, sleep, and take care of their needs. Only after they do this can they find the energy to go have a productive day of killing. The museum’s point of view is that life during war is typically what you make it. Most of the time men and women of war have little control of the big things in life. However, it is in the small things that people should concentrate on, since this is where some happiness can be derived during tragic times. The transformation of MWR in the military has evolved over the years. The militaries seedier side of recreation, such as prostitution has been witness to great change. Now women have real roles in the military, not just ones as camp followers. In addition, soldiers partaking in sins of the flesh are now made more aware of diseases and fortunately, there are more cures for them. Soldiers now enjoy many of the luxuries of home while away at war. They have recreation halls, churches, NCO, and officer clubs to hang out it. The soldier’s life has greatly improved over the last 150 years, especially during peacetime operations. The military is now allotted many benefits for soldiers serving their country. Many were unheard of before modern times such as free trips to Busch Gardens and half-off entrees at IHOP on Wednesday nights. Most of the materials in the museum will be replicas and the method for which we will present them will be more a tongue and cheek style. It will be more of a Mad Magazine meets Ripley’s Believe It or Not, meets the Smithsonian, type of museum. The museum will not mimic the Smithsonian, since many people (including myself) have been there a hundred times. Therefore, this place will tell the story another way, not the Washington D.C. way. But a way that involves little reading, so that the average American can understand. Besides, the museum did not want to offend any politicians who might see pictures of their relatives in any of our brothel displays. The utilization of primary sources will vary from firsthand accounts of Vietnam V.D. doctors too sources such as photographs, books, personal testimonies, and video footage. Eliminating most of the text boxes will be necessary. Our research shows old people struggle to read the print, especially behind glass display cases. Anything in print will be super large and eye catching and all pertinent data will be given through guided audio tour devices with adjustable volumes. Pictures and visuals are a key component. Most museums try to space everything out and give a nice positive-negative space relation to all its contents, in attempt to make artifacts look antiseptic and untouchable. This museum intends to do the exact opposite. It will contain sensory overload, the same way war is. Every inch of the museum from roof to floor will be covered in something fun and interesting about the wars. People will have to come back several times to take it all in. We are talking about Where is Waldo type of busy. The audio and video component of the museum will be heavy. Many videos will be shown and some will incorporate 3D technology and they will involve many actors replicating the events that the museum is displaying. Most of these video will be shot on site since the museum has its own reenactment grounds. The purpose of this war museum is to be educational and fun, for not only truck drivers, but also truck driver’s families. In addition, people all over this land who want to know what it is like to do more before 9:00 am than most people do all day.
